As some day
it may happen
that a victim
must be found
I've got a little list
I've got a little list
of society offenders
who might well be
underground
And who never
would be missed
who never would
be missed!
There's the pestilential
nuisances who write
for autographs
All people who have
flabby hands and
irritating laughs
All children who are
up in dates
and floor you
with 'em flat
All persons who
in shaking hands
shake hands with you
like that
And all third persons
who on spoiling
tete-a-tetes insist
They'd none of 'em
be missed
they'd none of 'em
be missed!
He's got 'em on the list
He's got 'em on the list
And they'll none of 'em
be missed
they'll none of 'em
be missed!
And that banjo serenader
and the others of his race
and the piano-organist
I've got him on the list!
And the people
who eat peppermint
and puff it in your face
They never would
be missed
they never would
be missed!
Then the idiot who praises
with enthusiastic tone
all centuries but this
and every country
but his own
And the lady
from the provinces
who dresses
like a guy
And who doesn't
think she dances
but would rather
like to try
And that singular anomaly
the critic dramatist
I don't think she'd
be missed
I'm sure she'd
not be missed!
He's got her on the list
He's got her on the list
And I don't think
she'll be missed
I'm sure she'll
not be missed!
And that Nisi Prius
nuisance who just now
is rather rife
The Judicial humorist
I've got him on the list!
All funny fellows
comic men
and clowns
of private life
They'd none of 'em
be missed
They'd none of 'em
be missed!
And apologetic statesmen
of a compromising kind
such as "What d'ye call
him thing'em-bob" and
likewise never mind
And 'St-'st-'st
and What's-his-name
and also You-know-who
The task of filling up
the blanks
I'd rather leave to you
But it really doesn't matter
whom you put upon the
list
For they'd none of 'em
be missed
they'd none of 'em
be missed!
You may put 'em
on the list
You may put 'em
on the list
And they'll none of 'em
be missed
they'll none of 'em
be missed!