'TWAS THE NIGHT
AFTER CHRISTMAS
AND ALL THROUGH
THE TRAILER
THE BEER HAD GONE FLAT
AND THE PIZZA
WAS STALER
THE TUBE SOCKS
HUNG EMPTY
NO CANDY OR TOYS
AND I WAS CAMPED OUT
IN MY OLD LAZY BOY
THE KIDS
THEY WEREN'T TALKIN'
TO ME OR MY WIFE
THE WORST CHRISTMAS
THEY SAID THEY HAD
HAD IN THEIR LIFE
WELL MY WIFE
COULDN'T ARGUE
AND NEITHER COULD I
SO I WATCHED T.V.
AND MY WIFE
SHE JUST CRIED
WHEN OUT IN THE YARD
THE DOGS STARTED
BARKIN'
I STOOD UP AND LOOKED
AND I SAW SHERIFF
LARKIN
HE YELLED ROY
I AM SWORN TO
UPHOLD THE LAWS
AND I GOT A COMPLAINT
HERE FROM A FELLOW
NAMED CLAUS
CLAUS I DON'T KNOW
NOBODY NAMED CLAUS
AND YOU AIN'T
TAKIN' ME IN
WITHOUT PROBABLE
CAUSE
THEN THE SHERIFF
HE SAID THE MAN
WAS SHOT AT
LAST NIGHT
I SAID WELL THAT
MIGHT HAVE BEEN ME
JUST WHAT'S
HE LOOK LIKE
WELL HE'S A JOLLY OLD
FELLER
WITH A BIG BEER GUT
BELLY THAT SHAKES
WHEN HE LAUGHS
LIKE A BOWL FULL
OF JELLY
HE SPORTS A LONG BEARD
AND A NOSE
LIKE A CHERRY
I SAID SHERIFF
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
MY WIFE'S SISTER
SHERRY
IT'S NO TIME FOR JOKES
ROY THE SHERIFF
HE SAID
THE MAN I'M DESCRIBING
IS DRESSED ALL IN RED
I'M HERE FOR THE TRUTH
NOW
IT'S TIME TO
COME CLEAN
TELL ME WHAT
YOU'VE DONE
AND TELL ME
WHAT YOU'VE SEEN
WELL I STARTED TO LIE
THEN I THOUGHT
WHAT THE HELL
WOULDN'T BE
THE FIRST TIME I SPENT
NEW YEAR'S IN JAIL
I SAID SHERIFF
IT HAPPENED
LAST NIGHT ABOUT TEN
AND I THOUGHT
THAT MY WIFE
HAD BEEN DRINKING
AGAIN
WHEN SHE WALKED IN
FROM WORK
SHE WAS WHITE
AS A GHOST
I THOUGHT MAYBE
SHE'D SEEN
ONE OF THEM UFO'S
BUT SHE SAID
A BUNCH OF DEER
HAD JUST FLOWN OVER
HER HEAD
AND STOPPED
ON THE ROOF
OF OUR GOOD NEIGHBOR
RED
WELL I RAN OUT
TO LOOK AND THE SIGHT
MADE ME SHUDDER
A FREEZER FULL OF
VENISON
STANDING RIGHT ON
RED'S GUTTER
WELL MY HANDS
WERE A SHAKIN'
AS I GRABBED MY GUN
WHEN OUT OF RED'S
CHIMNEY
THIS FELLER DID RUN
AND SLUNG ON HIS BACK
WAS A BAG
OVERFLOWIN'
I THOUGHT HE'D STOLEN
RED'S STUFF
WHILE OL' RED WAS OUT
BOWLIN'
SO I YELLED
DROP IT FAT BOY
HANDS UP IN THE AIR
BUT HE WENT 'BOUT
HIS BUSINESS
LIKE HE HADN'T A CARE
SO I POPPED
A WARNING SHOT
OVER HIS HEAD
WELL HE DROPPED
THAT BAG AND HE
JUMPED IN THAT SLED
AND AS HE FLEW OFF
I HEARD HIM EXTORT
THAT'S ASSAULT
WITH INTENT ROY
I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT
SHERIFF
I'LL TELL YOU THIS
YOU PUT A SUBPOENA
ON ME
I AIN'T GONNA SHOW UP
I AIN'T GONNA SHOW UP
I'LL HOLE UP
IN THE CELLAR
YOU'LL NEVER ROOT ME
OUT OF THERE
SO WHY DON'T YOU
SAY WE FORGET ALL THIS
LOOK WE'VE KNOWN
EACH OTHER
A LONG TIME
YOU JUST TURN
THE CAR OFF COME IN
WE'LL WATCH
WRESTLIN'
EAT SOME
EASTER BUNNY STEW
AND TALK ABOUT
HOW TO CATCH
THAT TOOTH FAIRY